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i took the day off work today and find myself confronting the seeming reality that i don't know how to relax anymore. when did this happen? i feel like the last time i truly relaxed was COVID (sorry, crazy) when i was at my parents' house doing nothing day after day, and time felt infinite.
time feels so infuriatingly finite these days. the weeks pass by, the months pass by, suddenly it's may 2026?? the fuck? i haven't finished writing my new year's resolutions yet!
one thing exacerbating this whole time situation is that i have a seemingly infinite todo list, that balloons by the day and that i either chip away at slowly or choose to completely avoid out of stress. it must be something i'm doing to myself, right? does everyone feel this way?
like today, for instance. i planned to run in the morning but took too long getting ready and then it started raining. then i had a haircut in fort greene at 2pm. then i went grocery shopping. now i'm back home. okay none of that was illustrative of the todo list i wrote for myself lol which consists of: scoop cat litter (forgot to do, shit), replace the battery in juno's feeder, replace the air purifier filter, make copies of building keys, enter building expenses in quickbooks for the past month (i joined my building's co-op board this year and am apprenticing to be the new treasurer). i've done none of those things and it's 5:22pm and i still need to run 3 miles and also cook dinner!! what!!!!! i'm in hell!!! and i need to respond to a number of texts!!!!!!!
i think i fall into a bad cycle where part of me wants to complete a lot of tasks in a day, and another part of me just wants to chill the fuck out, and the second part rebels against the first part (and often wins out), but the first part won't acquiesce, so i end up watching youtube for like 3 hours but instead of enjoying it i feel stressed the whole time because i know i'm putting off doing things that i want to do. okay, now i'm just spelling out the definition of procrastination.
idk how to get out of this spiral but it's not good, i truly think i've been trapped here for years. this is why recently i've been getting excited when i get a cold or flu because it means i have no choice but to do absolutely nothing. beautiful, guiltless nothing. that's such a bad sign! and i know that getting sick is not good for me and is probably worsening some intermittent autoimmune symptoms that i have!
big sigh.
i'm just now remembering that my main goal for this year was to do fewer things. LOL. like literally i just remembered that. it's so difficult though because i genuinely want to do a million things, and am endlessly frustrated that i can't do them all. and actually it probably backfires because of the procrastination situation and i end up doing even fewer things than a normal person who does not want to do a million things would do.
as with most internal crises, it's likely best that i just get up and go do something, or do nothing, but at least pick one. and stop thinking about it so much. it does feel nice to complain though… and perhaps future me can read this with future wisdom and understand it all a bit better.